That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
