Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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