eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
