we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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