Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
