i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
