Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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