great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
