Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
