It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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