i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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