we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
