We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
