I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
