Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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