I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
