Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
