Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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