Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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