First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
