You're so nebulous sometimes
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
