I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
