That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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