I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
