You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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