capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
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he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
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I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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