it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
