Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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