how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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