What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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