dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
