The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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