sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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