So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
