I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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