I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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