At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
barbara walters just said penis...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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