Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
