Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
