can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that's an acceptable place to lick
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
