so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
40s are totally the cure
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
