im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
