We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
