You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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