Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
