either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
