He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
