I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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