She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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