TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
