That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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