4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
FUCK WHALES
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
