Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
