if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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