If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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