someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
