Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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