Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
