Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
